EXT. WESTERN EXPANSE - DAY
A lone figure bounds over the vast, seemingly-endless lands of the west. Credits are super-imposed over the image. The figure sprints ahead. BANG! A loud gunshot rings out through the area. The figure drops to the ground. The wounded man, local land-owner MARK JANIAK, crawls along the desert. A man of villainous disposition follows alongside the crawling man and kicks him to roll him on his back. The villain, JESSIE "MILKMAN" MCROONEY stares down at him, his face devoid of compassion.
I won’t sign it!
Uhhh...it’s so spicy!
Mark holds his stomach in pain. The confident Milkman reaches inside his vest and pulls out a HABANERO PEPPER, holding it between thumb and pointer finger. The camera zooms and holds in Leone-style.
A. . .a. . .a habanero? Ah, my
intestines! It burns!
Milkman’s gaze returns to Mark, he puts away the bullet and then we see a bottle of white, bright milk in his gun holster. He pulls it out and holds it as if to offer it to Mark.
I got the antidote for that. But
it’ll cost you a signature.
No, never! (grunts) Not my papy’s
Mark grunts as the spiciness continues. The Milkman holds the deed of land up to Mark’s eye view. It is like a stand off between two gun-men. Close ups on eyes and on the milk.
All right, all right!
Milkman, unsmiling, business-like, hands Mark a pen. Mark signs the papers that are dangling out in the wind.
Mark Janiak falls on his back and waits for the milk. It is poured tactlessly all over his face.
EXT. WESTERN TOWN - DAY
The streets of a sleepy western town welcome a lone traveler, CLINT BROWNWOOD, atop his horse. Adorned in a donkey poncho, Clint inspects what seems to be a ghost town. Clint rides up to a saloon. He dismounts his horse.
Clint makes his way to the saloon.
EXT. SALOON - DAY
Clint Brownwood approaches a saloon. A BARKEEPER stands near the entrance polishing a glass. Clint walks up to him.
Saloon’s closed. The whole town is.
Closed? But I need a horse bit, a
room, and some booze.
Boobs? There’re no boobs around
here! All the women left town! What
else ya need?
Clint looks at him weird, with brows furrowed.
A horse bit.
A whore’s tit? I told ya, all the
women left town!
Clint looks at him weird again, his patience a little thin.
Well, all right, do you know where
I could get a room?
Poon? I told ya! All the-
EXT. MINE - DAY
We see a model of a mine and a small figure GEORGE MINER pushing a cart into the shaft.
EXT. MINING PLACE - DAY
George Miner wipes his brow after a long day of work. He is a miner, and dirty. As he walks away from his mine and drinks some water, an arm pops out from OS.
DELIVERY MAN (OS)
Hey Miner! You got a telegram!
George Miner looks at it intently and then begins to read.
MARK JANIAK (V.O.)
Hey George, how are ya? Me? Not so
good. All 14 kids are sad about it.
Jessie the Milkman McRooney visited
me and forced me to sign over my
papy’s land. It sucked. I don’t
doubt on God’s good earth that he’s
comin’ for your land next. Btw, did
you hear all the women left town?
Zoom in on George Miner’s face as he realizes that his lands are in trouble. Zoom in right in on his mouth. Like the guy yelling "Maureen" in "Once Upon A Time In The West", he yells:
EXT. SALOON - DAY
Clint Brownwood looks frustrated with the Barkeeper.
Mamaroonies? I told ya! All the
women left town!
Just then, George Miner runs up to them, almost out of breath.
Clint Brownwood and Barkeep look toward him.
The Milkman is coming for me next!
I’m putting up a fight - ain’t no
railroad gonna be be built on my
papy’s land! I ain’t no wussy!
Wussy? I told ya!. . .he was after
ya papy’s lands! You’re achin’ to
fight, but nothing comes between
The Milkman and his track layin’.
The Barkeeper holds up a map chronicling the situation. The map shows all their property, explaining the Milkman’s plan for area domination and Habanero bullet distribution plan. Slow zoom into the map and then pause (old school style).
Why’s he called Milkman? Sounds
like he should be called Train Man.
Because only his milk’ll stop the
spiciness from his barrel.
Clint Brownwood nods knowingly.
I’ve heard tales of the strongest
men on their knees begging for his
milk. I’d hate to be you, facing
Well, that’s why I’m here. I need
your help. You’re the only one left
Sorry, but I got an appointment to
get my hearing checked today.
George Miner looks at Barkeeper disappointed. Betrayed he heads away from the saloon. He briefly looks over his shoulder.
I guess I’ll just handle it myself.
EXT. MINING PLACE - DAY
George Miner runs back toward his mine. He is flustered and sweaty.
Slow down Georgie boy. Looks like
you’re in a rush.
George Miner looks over surprisingly. The Milk Man has been waiting for him.
How did you get here so fast?
You’re faster than a steam engine.
They don’t call me the Train Man
George Miner looks at him all weird.
The Milkman begins to pull paper out from his vest.
Why don’t you save yourself some
time and put those away? I ain’t
The Milkman smiles and puts the papers back into his vest. He pulls a milk jar from his gun holster.
Are you sure I can’t persuade you?
He drinks from his milk jar.
It would be a shame if I finished
all this milk and you needed it.
George looks more worried with each gulp. His reactions are only with his face.
No? Need more convincing then, huh?
Milkman reaches down to his holster and puts his hand on a pistol grip.
CLINT BROWNWOOD (O.S.)
I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
Milkman and George Miner turn to look, and they see Clint Brownwood there, looking all calm and cool. They are standing in a triangle like at the end of the "Good, Bad, and the Ugly".
Best be on your way. This doesn’t
Clint Brownwood pulls back his poncho, revealing his gun. George Miner watches both men intently.
This is between Georgie Boy and I.
No gun, not even yours, can stop my
I’m not here for any railroad.
For what then?
I came into town looking for booze,
a horse bit, a room, and MILKMAN
Well, you can’t find any of that
here I reckon. Nothing you need to
find is here.
The camera is in front of Clint and then we zoom into his face (a la "Once Upon a Time in the West"). The next shot is of a younger Milkman smiling, walking toward camera (from the flashback). Back to the present, we go to Clint Brownwood, this time, a slow-zoom on his eyes. We are now entering the flashback.
EXT. DESERTED PLACE - DAY - FLASHBACK
A young Milkman is smiling. A little kid Clint Brownwood stands next to his father. Clint looks young, with three-point freckles, a cowboy hat with a propeller, and holding a pinwheel and huge lollipop.
I’ll never sign over my habanero
farm to you. You can’t handle their
I’m not going to eat them.
Gunshot! Brownwood’s dad has a pained look on his face. He falls to his knees. Young Clint looks sad. Young Milkman laughs. The dad looks at his son all sad and says "so spicy", although their is no audio at this point just swelling music.
Young Clint is devastated. The Milkman comes up to the young kid, laughing, and pulls out a habanero pepper. He puts it in the kid’s mouth. Young Clint falls face-first into the dirt.
EXT. MINING PLACE - DAY - PRESENT
The two gunmen have waited long enough. The guns come out! BANG! BANG! The Milkman has been hit. We can tell from the look on his face. He staggers around. Clint follows close behind. Milkman falls to the ground, his hat flies off. Milkman starts feeling the effects of the spiciness. He turns around to look at Clint.
One of my peppers. Who are you?
Clint Brownwood pulls out the propeller hat from his childhood and bends down.
There’s a shot from the flashback of the propeller hat on young Clint.
Back in the present, Clint places the hat on Milkman’s head. Milkman realizes who just bested him, and then he dies. Clint just looks down at the man who killed his father. George Miner comes to stand beside Clint.
Holy cow! The milkman’s dead!
Expired. Throw his dead body in the
Got it. I’ll find the best spot. I
got good pasture-eyes.
Well, I better be on my whey.
You don’t have to leave just yet.
Tell the bartender I said bye.
K- I’ll see’im later.
Well, wait up. Let me get you some
gold before you move on!
George looks down and reaches into his pockets searching for some gold nuggets.
I’m sure you herd the women left,
but maybe now that the Milkman’s gone -
He looks back at Clint and stops talking. Clint is already far, far away on his horse. Long shot on him walking away up to the ending.