THE BRAT SNACK
by
Cat cat Productions

Titles against black to a rip-off of "Don't You Forget About Me". Short. Ends with a title card:

OVER: "I love jerky, I love links. Anything that isn't sausage stinks. Sausage is yummy!" -David Sowie.

Sound effect of meat being squashed with a glass-shattering visual effect.

EXT./INT. SCHOOL

Shots of the high school. Shots of the interiors of the high school. Lockers. Flyers. Pictures of ex students. Hallways,etc. Instrumental of opening song.

LINKY (V.O.)
Saturday. . .January 5, 1985. Sausage Arts High School of America. Sherbert, Illinois, 21850. Dear Mr. Wurstvogel. We understand that we had to prove ourselves today by making a good sausage recipe with three ingredients. Pepper, salt, paprika. We couldn't help but do more.

Up to the school comes BLAIR DELLA, normal every-day girl, and following close behind is her friend ERIC "LINKY" KIEL, who obviously loves her. Also coming to school is this rich guy who wins the award for apathy, JAMES. A Slimjim hangs from his mouth. They all mozy on into the high school.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL ROOM

Blair and Linky enter the room. They sit down at separate desks. Linky starts doodling. Blair starts writing down measurements of ingredients. James comes in and sits as far as he can from the others. A teacher, MR WURSTVOGEL, comes up to the class and stands before them, looking at his watch. At the appropriate time, he speaks.

MR. WURSTVOGEL
All right, all right. Unless you're doodling weenies, I want no more of it!

The kids put down their pencils.

MR. WURSTVOGEL
It's Saturday, we find ourselves here. We're here because of you. Despite being at the best school for sausage-making in the entire country, you have failed to pass your vital SAT, the Sausage Aptitude Tests.

Blair looks downcast. James is unaffected.

MR. WURSTVOGEL
Now, I told the priciple to let you guys spoil, and fail to graduate, but he insisted that you be given one final chance. One more attempt to make an excellent sausage, as judged by me, to get into a good school. One student, one sausage each, only using the ingredients provided here.

Insert shot of Pepper, Salt, and Paprika.

MR. WURSTVOGEL
Your recipes will be written on these recipe cards and placed by your plate.

BLAIR
I think I speak for everyone when I say we are gateful for the extra time to re-take the test, but can't we do it some other weekend? Did the principle have to schedule it on the exact day of prom?

MR. WURSTVOGEL
This is the only weekend that fits in the Academic schedule, missy. Maybe you should have thought about prom when you were deciding not to pass, Ms Della.

BLAIR
But it's senior prom, and by the time we're done, I won't have any time to get ready.

JAMES
(mockingly)
You got a date or something? What's the big deal?

BLAIR
How do you know if I do or not?

JAMES
Because you're nada. Who would ever even want to go out with you?

Just at that moment, a hot guy, also seemingly rich, but seeming much nicer, walks in the door. He is GUY COOPER. Blair is all in love with him, and when he sees her, he shares a shy smile back and forth to cheesy music. It's a little overly-dramatic.

MR. WURSTVOGEL
So, Mr. Cooper, you did decide to arrive today.

GUY
Sorry I'm late, sir. Look what this jerk did to my breakfast!

Guy holds up two breakfast buns, which have been taped together with duct tape. James yucks it up.

MR. WURSTVOGEL
Enough, Cooper. Sit down, now.

Guy sighs and shrugs, and gets to his seat next to James. James punches him in the arm, all jock dumb-like and shit.

MR. WURSTVOGEL
I'm going to be down the hall. If I hear any messing around, anything that doesn't have to do with sausage-making, I'm gonna come in here and burst some casings!

Mr. Wurstvogel makes some confident gesture and then heads out. All the kids are looking amongst themselves, wondering what they should do.

INT. CLASSROOM - SAME

Shot of the Clock going all slow.

Montage: The students are bored as hell. They do a bunch of dumb crap that has them being all bored: playing with pencils, doodling, messing around, etc. James is counting his money, Slim Jim hanging out of his mouth. Linky is reading a copy of the classic sci-fi novel, Destination Rift. At the end of the montage, Guy throws a paper airplane, and it lands on Blair's paper she's writing on. Linky sees this and is intrigued/upset.

INT. CLASSROOM - SAME

Guy slides over to Blair's chair. They are all smiley and shy.

GUY
Hi.

BLAIR
Hi.

GUY
Did a, uh, plane land here?

BLAIR
Is that what you're calling this? I thought planes were supposed to fly.

She hands him the plane

GUY
Plane-shaped paper object would be more accurate, it's true. (Laughs) Say, what do you got there?

Blair covers up her papers.

BLAIR
Oh, it's nothing really.

GUY
If it's worth writing down, it's worth sharing. Let me see.

Guy moves moves her hands off the paper and he grabs it, looking it over.

GUY
Wow, what is this?

BLAIR
It's my recipe for the perfect sausage.

GUY
Perfect sausage, made by the perfect girl.

Blair is all smiles.

BLAIR
It's hardly perfect. Just some thing I was doing.

GUY
(looking at the paper)
No, Blair. This is really great. A real banger! What led you to the measurements of the spices?

BLAIR
Just some personal experimentation and self-developed spice theory. I figure if 1/3 of all the spices have 1 tablespoon each, and 2/3 have just a teaspoon, I can create a perfect harmony.

GUY
Music to my ears. (pause) Y'know, looking at this. . .you know what this could use? It could really go for some cinammon and coriander.

BLAIR
Never thought about using those for this.

GUY
Oh, you'll freak out.

BLAIR
Well, nothing can be done about it now. Mr. Wurstvogel's got all the ingredients here. Salt, pepper, paprika. That's it.

GUY
Well, that's what he said... (pauses) You wanna know a secret? (Looks around) I actually have some coriander and cinammon in my locker.

BLAIR
(laughs)
What are you, some kind of spice- head?

GUY
Well, to be frank, I just know what I like. And like to keep it closeby.

Blair shakes her head, smiling. Guy stands.

GUY
Listen, um, I'll get you some. See you in a minute, huh?

Guy gets up and leaves. James watchess closely. Blair is still looking after Guy, when Linky slides up over to her.

LINKY
Um, hello, earth to Blair.

Blair is still dreamy-eyed.

LINKY
Earth to Blair. This is Linky, your best friend for ever and all time, speaking.

BLAIR
Oh, hi, Linky.

LINKY
Are you being serious right now, Blair? You need to pass, and if you end up failing it'll be because your eyes were glued to his face.

BLAIR
Linky, he's just going to get some spices for me. It's no big deal.

LINKY
Oh? The spice I bring to your life isn't enough?

BLAIR
It's for my recipe.

LINKY
So, what is this? You just accept spices from strange men? You, like, what is this, do you like him?

BLAIR
Maybe I do?

LINKY
(heartbroken)
I can't believe it. Blair, he's an papie! His family sits on their fat jerk butts and deals with papers all day. He doesn't get what it's like to be in the trenches of sausage production, like our families! With the casings and the grinding and the mashing.

BLAIR
So you're saying I can't like him because of that?

LINKY
After today, he'll never make a sausage with his hands again! Come on, Blair, you know I would be a much better fit for you. We could have a sausage empire. I drew up the logo already!

Linky pulls a paper like out of nowhere. Insert of crappy logo.

LINKY
Linky and Blair Sausage Company. "We got a knack for the Wurst! I got the logo and everything! It's all right here.

BLAIR
I didn't tell you to do that, Linky.

LINKY
I devote my life to you and make business plans and this guy ya don't event know, does nothin' for ya, and you like him.

BLAIR
And so what if I do like him?

LINKY
You like-? What? Ugh!!! Well, lemme tell ya, when you're all put through the meat grinder, and all ground up on the prep table, don't come and look to me for comfort, because I'm gonna have plowed!

Linky slides his chair away, and Blair is like "whatever" and also sad/confused by it.

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY

Guy gleefully travels to his locker. He is all stoked about getting cinammon and coriander! He approaches his locker and opens it up. Inside is a spice rack and various ingredients and herbs. He reaches forward and fishes for what he needs. James sidles up next to him. James sidles up next to him.

JAMES
Whatcha doin' there, Guy?

GUY
Oh, hey. Just going through my spices.

JAMES
I see that. What were you talking about with that girl, what's her name, Betty? Blane?

GUY
Her name's Blair.

JAMES
Blair?

GUY
Yeah. And we were talking about spices and recipes. Some of my stuff here could really help her out. (pause) Is there a problem, man?

JAMES
(mini-scoff)
Well, I just thought you were interested in making products out of pigs, not dating them.

GUY
What are you talking about, man?

JAMES
Just saying, maybe you shouldn't be going after a defective like that.

GUY
You don't like her or what?

JAMES
I mean, she might be fun to roll around with, but she's not any type of substantial girlfriend material. I mean, come on.

GUY
I think I could be the judge of what works best for me.

JAMES
What's best for you might not be best for...all of us.

GUY
I don't know what you're talking about.

JAMES
If you want to go out with a mutant, that's all right by me. I'm just saying it might be a lot of trouble for you down the road.

GUY
I'm gonna go back.

JAMES
Suit yourself, buddy.

INT. SOME PLACE - DAY

Close up of the clock going.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

Guy is showing Blair the spices. He is passing the little bottles to her and making her smell them.

BLAIR
Oh, wow, what is this? Smells spicy!

GUY
It's Brownwood Farms Habanero Powder. Isn't it yummers?

BLAIR
So yummers!

Guy picks up another one.

GUY
Oh, Blair, you gotta try this one.

Guy gives it to her to smell.

BLAIR
Wow, that's great!

GUY
Yeah. Oh, it's great on top of the sausage. Linky, can you grill up some practice sausages for us? I wanna show this to Blair.

Guy hands Linky the spices. Linky is there and looks a little intimidated.

LINKY
Heh, yeah, sure guys. I could do that. Comin' right up!

From under the table, Linky grabs some practice sausages, but fumbles them around a little bit. He has difficulty putting the grilling pan on the hot plate as well. Guy continues to show Blair the spices. Linky can't even use the tongs correctly. He messes up grilling so bad that everything falls to the floor. Guy and Blair look over.

BLAIR
Linky, what happened?

LINKY
(Stammers)
I..I..I..

JAMES (O.S.)
Got a little grilling problem there, friend?

James has entered the room, and is standing by everyone.

LINKY
Oh, you know, just, heh, normal grilling mishaps. Happens to everyone.

JAMES
I guess so. Why are you having such problems, though? Are you a grilling cherry?

Linky looks off. Guy and Blair are embarrassed for him.

BLAIR
Why don't you leave him alone? You're being a jerk.

GUY
Yeah, cut him some slack.

James comes forward, bends down and holds the tongs. He holds them incorrectly, just like Linky did.

JAMES
I'll get you some training tongs from the Freshman Class, buddy.

James throws the tongs behind him and leaves with a grin on his face. He loves being a jerk. The other three watch on.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

James walks. Linky follows him into the hallway.

LINKY
You haven't grilled before either!

James stops in his tracks.

JAMES
What'd you say, turd?

LINKY
The way you held the tongs. It's not right, you should know that. You're a grilling cherry too.

JAMES
If I am a cherry, it's because I can be one. I can pay someone to do that for me. Grind 'em, spice 'em, grill 'em. All of it. Maybe I could even hire you. Someday, after you learn, of course. Would you like that, friend? Your paycheck with my name at the top. I'm always going to be on top. Come talk to me when you need a job and not before.

James turns around and then Linky, fed up, runs and lunges! There is a fight, and Linky gets hit a bunch of times, and also punched right in the face. Linky stumbles back into the classroom.

INT. CLASSROOM - SAME

Linky enters the classroom and falls down to the floor. Blair and Guy rush over. Blair lifts Linky's head. Linky is totally knocked out.

BLAIR
Linky! Linky!

GUY
(shaking head)
He's out like an elephant lamp.

James comes into the doorframe, angry, bleeding lip and all.

JAMES
I withdraw my offer for a job, forever, you human tater tot!

James kicks Linky while he is down.

GUY
What happened?

JAMES
This dweebie tried to pound me! Now I gotta get a new shirt and fix my hair. Gah! I'll be back later, Guy!

James leaves in a huff. Blair is smacking Linky in the face to wake him up. He is stil out cold.

INT. CLASSROOM - SAME

Linky, now awake, Guy, and Blair are sitting on the floor. Guy is applying a poultice to Linky's eye.

GUY
Just hold this against your eye, and this should help slow the inflammation.

LINKY
What is that?

GUY
It's a poultice, made from spices and leaves from my locker. It'll help.

Guy puts the poultice against Linky's eye. Linky winces.

BLAIR
Thanks for doing this, Guy, this really means a lot.
LINKY
(sarcastic)
Oh yeah, I'm feeling great. Being taking care of by my competition. This is one for the books!

BLAIR
Linky, be nice. He's helping you out. You think you could show a little gratitude.

LINKY
Oh, I'm just full of it. Just like him. Papie scum wad.

Guy and Blair share a look.

GUY
I think your attitude is bumming Blair out, Linky.
LINKY
That's Eric F. Kiel to you.
BLAIR
Linky, knock it off.

There is a moment of silence.

GUY
Is that what you think of me, man?

LINKY
(rude)
If I happen to think of you, yeah.
BLAIR
Linky, you're being a real jerky. Those aren't my seasonings on you, reducing your swelling. Their his. You're lucky he's here today. If not, you'd have a huge black eye!

LINKY
Yeah, a black eye that his papie friend caused.

GUY
James isn't my friend anymore. Not after what he did to my breakfast. Not after what he did to you.

Guy sits back now, letting Linky apply the poultice to himself. They're sitting in a triangle now.

GUY
Y'know...I'm not just a papie. Yeah, my father is a manager of a sausage plant and sits in the office, but... no one knows this . . .we have a thing on the side. Our own sausage stand at the lake. I'm down in there, in the hard work, with him, on the weekends and during late nights,making the sausage.

Blair and Linky listen.

GUY
You know, I failed my S.A.T. because my dad is so stressed about the business. He put all of our money into it, and we haven't been making it back. It was the boat races the day of the test, down at the lake, and he was going to sell sausage there, and the day before, I saw him making the links. But I could smell the mixture, and could tell he spiced them wrong. . .I said "Dad, no, it's too much salt. Add some dried thyme instead." And he said "No, that'll dominate the flavor, kiddo", and I say "If you add too much it will. . .but if you add just a bit, it'll compliment the cumin." And he just says. "I know how to make sauage! This is my business!" But he's so wrong. He's always wrong. (pause) "Dad, don't tell me you forgot the carraway seeds again. Dad, the carraway seeds!" I hate him so much.

By now, Guy has teared up and gotten really red. Linky and Blair watch on, understanding.

GUY
I was up all night, completely making new links for him to sell. I threw out the old stuff and put in the new ones. By the time I did that, I had a half hour to sleep. I did it, but then he woke me up to drive me here for the test, and I. . .I fell alseep in my ground meat and didn't even finish.

BLAIR
So your dad isn't making your family successful either.

Guy and Linky turn to her.

GUY
I thought your family was doing well. "Della Meats, America's Treat." Everyone buys your sausages.

BLAIR
Everyone buys our sausages because they are cheap and basic. We don't innovate. Everyone might buy them, but have you ever heard of someone say a Della sausage was actually good?

LINKY
I like 'em.

BLAIR
(annoyed)
I mean a real person, Linky. Someone out there in the world, who doesn't know me or the family.

Guy and Linky look off, knowing that Blair's family makes crappy-ass, lowest-common-demoninator sausage.

BLAIR
I want to make something that tastes really, really good. I tell my dad this and he just doesn't want to. He's says "why change directions when the winds are favoring our sails?" Doesn't mean much if you're sailing nowhere. We've been doing the same recipe since I was a girl. He used to read to me as a bedtime story! So, when I got to the S.A.T., I was so excited with all the possibilites, that I just went crazy. Went totally overboard and just put in every single thing I could. The sausage mix was just totaled. My parents were so upset when I failed. My dad said "that's what you get for not following the formula! Ya know, Morty knows, and ya gotta listen to Morty!" Just once I want to make a sausage that would have a nice label and the person says "That was the best sausage I ever had". I feel so trapped.

GUY
There's potential in you, Blair. You're going to knock it out of the park one day.

Blair smiles when she hears this.

LINKY
I agree.

Blair smiles at this too.

GUY
(to Linky)
So, you know why I am here, and why Blair is here. Why are you here?

LINKY
Me?

BLAIR
Yeah, you were studying all day and all night. You never told me you failed.

LINKY
(shrug)
I...I. ..what can I say? I didn't pass.

GUY
I thought you lived for this stuff. The sausage theory.

LINKY
I appreciate the concern, really, but my test score is my own, personal, private business.

GUY
Wait a minute. You said your name was Eric F Kiel. E.F.K. Those were the first initials on the score sheet. E.F.K. . .2,000. You got a perfect score!

Linky looks off.

BLAIR
Linky!

GUY
You know this new score will erase over the old one. If you don't get a perfect score this time, you can't get it back.

BLAIR
Linky, no one's gotten a perfect score in a generation. Why didn't you tell me?

Linky ignores the questions.

GUY
Why did you sign up to take it again?

BLAIR
Your score could place you in any college.

GUY
Why'd you do it?

BLAIR
Answer the question!

GUY
Answer the question!

They continue to pester him, until he says:

LINKY
To help Blair!

Pause.

LINKY
I. . I came because of you, Blair. I've devoted my life to you, and, when I heard that you failed, I had to come and help, and ensure you passed.

BLAIR
It's almost impossible to get a perfect score. . .but to get one twice?

LINKY
Yeah, I know, but. . .it won't mean anything if you don't graduate. We're in this together. You and me.

Blair nods. Silence between them.

GUY
How did you pass if you have never grilled?

Linky is embarrassed about the answer.

LINKY
I used a hidden crock pot.

Blair and Guy laugh a little bit. Linky does too. After a moment...

GUY
What if. . .what if we made our sausages together?

BLAIR
But Wurstvogel said we have to make each one separately.

GUY
That's what he said, but, I think if we can make your sausage recipe, he'll think it's so good that it won't matter if we broke the rules, and we can all pass. It'll be just like you said. The best thing he's ever tasted.

All three of them smile at the idea. Guy pulls out a cassette tape the classic, "Sausage Making Mix".

INT. CLASSROOM - SAME

SAUSAGE MAKING MONTAGE! Grinding, mixing, casing. Dancing. Goofing off. Guy watching closely as he sprinkles seasonings, Blair scraping excess spices from her tablespoon, and so on. During this montage, Linky writes down the recipe on the recipe card.

INT. HALLWAY - SAME

Guy is at his locker, working away on something (camera does not reveal). James comes up, fixing his new shirt and hair.

JAMES
I'm back.

GUY
Oh, hey buddy.

JAMES
Whatcha working on there with those herbs, Guy? Making a boquet or somethin'?

GUY
What's it to you?

JAMES
(gesturing to Guy's hands)
I don't know what this is all about, but while I was out I called my dad.

James hold up a massive cell phone.

JAMES
He says he could pay for your passing grade too, so you can put these away and we can shake it.

GUY
I'm actually okay. I think I'll stay here.

JAMES
What? With these losers? That girl in there is as bland as her family's barf sausage. Makes me wanna ralph!

GUY
They're better friends than you.

JAMES
I don't know what you're talking about, Guy. Better friends?

GUY
Yeah. Better everything than you. I think you're shit.

Guy walks away and James all looks sad because he knows, deep down, that Guy is totally right.

INT. CLASSROOM - SAME

Linky and Blair are standing by the finished, uncooked links.

BLAIR
So, Linky, Guy and I were thinking you could finally do what you've always wanted to do.

Blair hands him the tongs, making sure he holds them corectly. He marvels at it. He takes them in his hands.

LINKY
Yeah?

BLAIR
How would you like to grill our sausages?

LINKY
You mean that? But what if I overgrill 'em, or spill 'em, undergrill 'em, or.. Or...

BLAIR
(cuts him off)
Linky, you got this. We just thought the first time you grill, you should be with your friends, and it should mean something.

LINKY
All right, Blair! If you believe in me so much! I'll grill 'em real nice!

Blair and Linky hug. Linky just dies. The hug breaks. On the boombox, a song comes on, a slow 80s ballad. Blair checks her watch.

BLAIR
(sighs)
Hmm, prom's started already? This is my favorite song too and I have no one to dance with.

GUY (O.S.)
Hi Blair.

Behind her is Guy! He's returned from the hallway, and stands with a corsage made from basil, rosemary, thyme, etc. He also has on a prom jacket out of nowhere. Blair sees him and is smiling ear to ear. Guy steps forward and presents her with the corsage.

GUY
It's not much. It's my favorite spices. But there's one other ingredient. Love. Will you be my prom date?

Linky sees this and is all sad. He keeps watching, and burns himself on the griddle.

BLAIR
I will.

Guy starts to dance with Blair to her favorite song. They dance, Linky watches, concerned, and keeps burning himself. The dancing continues. Linky continues to grill the sausages. As the song ends, Linky places the recipe card right by the plate of the finished sausages.

INT. HALLWAY - SAME

Linky, Blair, and Guy walk down the hallway, about to leave for the day. Blair and Guy go on ahead, and Linky stays behind a little, totally heartbroken, but okay with it. The rip-off of "Don't You Forget About Me" starts again.

INT. CLASSROOM - SAME

Mr. Wurstvogel walks into the classroom, and sees the plate of sausage and a note. He picks up the note and reads it.

LINKY (V.O.)
Dear Mr. Wurstvogel. We understand that we had to prove ourselves today by making a good sausage recipe with three ingredients. Pepper, salt, paprika. We couldn't help but do more.

All three of them read off the ingredients in V.O.

LINKY, BLAIR, GUY (V.O.)
Chili flakes, cumin, garlic, coriander, vinegar, cayanne, parsley, crushed fennel, lemon squeeze, parsely, brown sugar. Friendship. Belief. Love.

LINKY (V.O.)
We prepared this sausage for you. We don't care if we don't pass. We might not graduate, but we have each other. So we just made you this little snack. A snack of Brats. A Brat Snack.

Mr. Wurstvogel takes sausage off the plate and bites it.

MR. WURSTVOGEL
Mmm. . .this is the best sausage I've ever had.

EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE SCHOOL

Blair and Guy walk arm-in-arm, and she hears the Mr. Wurstvogel say that. She pumps her arm up in victory. Freeze frame.

Roll credits.

THE END

If you would like to open the script in a separate page (why though?) you can view/download it as a txt file HERE.] I guess we could have provided this at the top, but whatever, you papie!